How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Hate Vegetarianism

Even at the risk of earning the scorn of some of my friends, I refuse to feel ashamed or censor myself any longer. I think vegetarianism is stupid.

Recently, I went out to dinner with a friend of mine and gradually broached the subject. After some awkward exchanges, we both admitted that we hated vegetarianism. It felt like I had just admitted to some dirty little secret and, in Williamsburg, it kind of is. I feel like there's more vegetarians/pescetarians/vegans in the one mile radius of my apartment than anywhere in NYC.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but humans have been omnivores since being cavemen (steak tartar=pterodactyl meat). I don't get it when vegetarians spout all that crap about feeling "natural" and blah blah blah. Isn't it more natural to follow a diet we've had for thousands of years?

A pescetarian friend of mine countered my disapproval last weekend by claiming that a vegetarian diet is healthier than an omnivorous one. She later sent me an excerpt from the Adventist Health Study which reached a similar conclusion by studying 7th-day Adventists (may fo which are vegetarians) over a 40-year period, concluding they have a lower risk of a myriad of diseases than meat-eaters. However, what this study and many others of the like ignore are the numerous confounding variables that make such a claim dubious at best. 7th-day Adventists also have religious guidelines encouraging them not to smoke, drink alcohol, and do drugs which certainly would have an effect on susceptibility to disease. Vegetarians are more likely to come from high-income backgrounds and are also more health conscious than the average consumer.

However, the thing that pisses me off most about the vegetarian/vegan lifestyle is the smug sense of superiority that radiates off such people. From kooks threatening to sue restaurants over the diet and that annoying vegan friend who makes you eat at that crappy vegan cafe because they can't get anything at Pies-n-Thighs (wah-wah, cry cry), I always feel vaguely judged by vegetarians because I eat meat. Fuck that. Choosing not to eat meat doesn't make you a good person and being smug about it makes you a douchebag. If you really are abstaining from meat to make a difference, why not help out your fellow man by volunteering at a homeless shelter or giving to a worthy charity?

In closing, meat is delicious and I refuse to censor my distaste for the vegetarian lifestyle for the sake of being PC any longer. Omnivores of the world unite!