That adaptation is so meta (legally retarted)

I started writing a scathing post about the death of creativity. I restarted and made it about the end of our civilization. Maybe the third time's a charm? Why don't we just let the link speak for itself:

the death of art

I give it a month, and that would be longer that these guys survived. Unless you are about the blood and the bunnies, let's keep movie adaptations away from Broadway. Although in a crazy world maybe this could work. "He'll flip ya for real" choruses anyone?

Book Cover Deception at Vintage Publishing

Fun! South Beach! Time Travel!

These are just a few of the things I associate with the cover for the paperback edition of Philip Roth's award-winning novel Everyman. Now this wouldn't be a problem if any of these things remotely related to the "candidly intimate yet universal story of loss, regret, and stoicism" the back cover describes it as. Basically, Everyman is a story concerned with death, which makes the cover highly strange (and kind of disturbing). My interpretation as follows:


Imagined conversation between the PR/Marketing Team behind this cover

A: Okay, so the critics love it, but the thing is people don't really like "death."
B: He's right, our polling shows 90% of book readers don't want to die.
A: How can we spin this so it ends up being a Cold Mountain and not a Thirteen Moons?
C: Orange Mocha Frappacinos?
A: Quiet C. Well one thing that has to go is that horrendous cover from the hard copies.



B: Yes, all that black is a problem. People associate black with death and...well...you don't even want to know what our polling says about red squares.
A: Hmm...what about a nice teal. Teal makes people happy.
C: Yes, we have have seen successes in the past with distracting from depressing content with flashy covers.



A: So we dump the black and go with the teal. How about a nice icon too?
C: A Grandfather clock?
B: No grandfathers equal old, old equals uncool.
C: Maybe a pocket watch then? They're cooler and younger. What do you think?
A: I think I've got cocktails with Bret Easton Ellis in twenty, go for it.

I'm a Golden God!

We here at Crooked Rain pride ourselves on two things, and two things only: nepotism and Alexander Goldberg's Down Home Apple Crisp.

In the spirit of the former, I want to let you guys onto one of the internet's best kept secrets: our good friends Decoy Squad, and their hilarious new video up at the GamePro Magazine website.

These guys are the real deal, and I will Boll with anybody who says otherwise. For realsies. More DS videos can be found on the GamePro site or here, and I highly recommend you check them out.

Or this might happen to you:

These Things

1. Denim Skirts
2. Dresses over Jeans
3. Whateverthefuck this is


Don't wear them.

Marilyn Manson is moving to Williamsburg

Not the biggest fan in the world of Marilyn Manson, but hearing this clip from his new single Heart Shaped Glasses made me a tad intrigued, if do say so myself. If you can get past the ever so tacky and cliched blood fountain as Manson makes out with his new girlfriend Evan Rachel Wood, who happens to be 19 (lets hope that blood is N.A). The xylophone and military snare rolls are topped with a simple, rhythmic, dare I say The Strokes type guitar riff. These qualities are a departure for Manson.

Could he be going all indie rock on us? Manson is a marketing whiz, and knows what sells. In either case this is an album I just might have to check out. "Eat Me, Drink Me" drops June 5th, and look out for Manson on a North side street near you.

Marilyn Manson official site

FRIDAY FEATURE "Cuz Pitchfork told me so"

This is the first post in a series entitled "Cuz Pitchfork told me so." I'll feature 2 songs that have caught my fancy this week, one local or under the radar song and one that may be from a more distinguished or popular band. Here goes nothing:

My underground track comes from my alma matter (RIT) and past collaborator Travis Johansen (favoritism, nepotism blah blah blah) and his new band Science vs Witchcraft. Note that on May 5th they have the pleasure of accompanying the incredibly fun Pit Er Pat (I have one of her hand made hoodies that I still wear even though it's way too small). Anyways, the track Smoke Crack and Do Math rocks it old school. I'm talking The Rapture EP Modern Romance rocking it. With its splashy high hat riding and waves of distorted guitar it captures the same noise punk feel as O'l Jenner and the gang did back when they lived under a bridge in a van.

Science Vs Witchcraft: play Smoke Crack and Do Meth

This week's popular track comes from The Arctic Monkeys whose second album Favourite Worst Nightmare keeps the intensity and catchiness (not a word) of the first album. Just read any of the billions of reviews that talk about them beating the sophomore slump to a bloody pulp. The single, Brianstorm, like the other track of the week has some nice high hat riding albeit much tighter than Smoke Crack and Do Math. The guitar work is solid and trades off with the bass very nicely. Of course this is what the Arctic Monkeys are all about; playing tight, fast, intricately woven songs sprinkled with clever nonchalant lyrics.

Brianstorm music video

Oh, and despite what Jimmy Kimmel may think, it is Brianstorm not Brainstorm

CNN Editors Asleep at the Wheel

This story is the headline on CNN right now. Come on, CNN, is this some type of joke? Do will really have to trivialize the suffering of Japanese sex slaves with a clause so open to rape jokes? Aren't all the racist cracks Shinzo Abe's already hurling at them enough? Do I just have a really dirty mind?

For those not in the know, Japan had over 200,000 Chinese and Korean sex slaves during the WWII period. Japan has refused to acknowledge or apologize for the incident due to a number of diplomatic, nationalistic, and strategic reasons and China and Korea ain't happy about it.

One such "comfort woman" recounts:

"I was abducted at age 15 by the Japanese Imperial Army," she said. "I was put on a Japanese naval ship. There were 300 military men there and five girls, including myself."

Man, that's like 60 blow jobs a day. She must have had a real pain in her jaw. Snaps!

Gay Rodeo Ain't Fer Sissies

I've said it before and I'll say it again: nobody does investigative journalism like Yahoo News.

Or at least, nobody has jingle-writers on staff to sing the soundtrack to a rodeo montage like Yahoo News.
"Gay Rodeo Curious" is actually pretty catchy. I could see it becoming a great ringtone. It's at least better than Crazy Frog.

I haven't seen anything more entertaining all week, so thank you, Yahoo. And thank you, LA Gay Rodeo. I hope your party never stops.

Do yourself a favor and check it out. Especially "goat dressing." My words could not possibly do it justice.

But wait a second, does this mean the real rodeo isn't gay enough?

New video from the Hexxers

Check out this new video featuring some pretty sweet claymation. In a time where everything is all glossy and Maya produced its nice to see that some people are sticking to our old skool roots. The song ain't to bad either. (Warning this video features some claymation breasts)

The Hexxers

christophe

Icky Thump Trickles In

The White Stripes' new single "Icky Thump," off the album of the same name, has been released online, and let me tell you, it is hot. Like, Frank's Red Hot, hot. Mixed with Tabasco and thrown onto The Great Tire Fire. That's how hot it is.

While not quite as catchy as "Seven Nation Army" or even "Blue Orchid," the song does live up to its name, delivering the kind of pulsating, churning, kitchen-sink blues groove that we've come to expect and love from Detroit's Finest. Okay, maybe Detroit's Second Finest.

All signs point to a return to form, especially after the relatively disappointing Get Behind Me Satan. I mean, relatively disappointing to other people. I thought it was pretty great. Though, Jack White could probably play Raffi songs on a kazoo while Meg keeps time shooting a BB gun in the air, and it'd still hit the top of my last.fm playlist. Actually, come to think of it, that definitely would.

And as with most White Stripes songs, it gets even better as you increase the volume.

Icky Thump is out June 19th, supported by a tour of every building in Canada.

Finger on the pulse advertising

I was in walking in Union Square today when I came across the new Diesel store. For those of you not in the know Diesel is an incredibly overpriced pretentious clothing line. It's the type of clothing worn by people like this. In Urban Outfitters you cannot even try them on because they are shackled to the clothes rack with an electric alarm. Their advertising campaign in recent years has become a parade of "air headed way too chic looking" models reeking of "I don't care" cool, the type of people that you have never actually seen in real life. At best you see people trying to impersonate this look. Now I'm used to this ridiculous style of high fashion advertising, but Diesel's new campaign so topically and cleverly picks up on the public's consciousness at the moment; Global warming of course, or as they have titled it Global Warming Ready so now we have these incredibly obnoxious models standing around like jackasses with the rest of the world submerged under water.

Its nice to know that when the apocalypse comes at least the really, really, really good looking people will survive, and they won't even notice the destruction around them. Well at least it's truthful advertising. Let's give them some credit for projecting how these people would deal with major devastation and the destruction of our entire civilization (they would get on designer diesel clothes go on the roof and pour water into each others mouthes).

Take the time to note the tiny link you can click that unveils that Diesel actually does care about Global Warming. I'm sure people that are interested about making serious changes to improve the environment shop at Diesel, or go to their website for information how to fight against global warming, especially after such an insulting and tasteless campaign. At least Calvin Kleins heroin chic actually captured what was though to be a "cool scene" as opposed to the "imminent threat to the entire world" couture. The real question is when the apocalypse comes what will you be wearing?

Diesel: Global Warming Ready campaign

Self-Hating Hipsters

Picture via Curbed of defaced advertisement for one of those new yuppie condos going up in Williamsburg.

I have to admit to loling hard after seeing this. You can't go a block in the burgeoning hipster stronghold of Brooklyn these days without seeing one of these condos going up. Personally, I'm of the school of thinking that luxury condo overload in the area is going to seriously collapse the prices on these developments and ultimately end up not changing the neighborhood too much, but I didn't go to any fancy real estate school.

However, I can't even count the number of times I've heard complaints from people in $200 designer jeans about how the developments are ruining the neighborhood and how we need to run those trustafarians over the bridge and back to Manhattan with flaming torches. This all leads me to believe that this attempt at vandalism was probably committed by some skinny white jew from Weehawken in an attempt to impress his "artist" girlfriend or something along those lines. It's amazing how almost everyone I know in Williamsburg mocks hipsters, when they clearly resemble the stereotype in so many ways. It's kind of like the self-hating Jew complex, except with asymmetrical haircuts and Sparks instead of yarmulkes and Manishevitz.

The condos are here to stay and there is nothing any of us can do about it. Alas, the hipster does love to whine though.

Unprotected Sex Among Honeybees on the Rise

So is anyone else as weirdly fascinated by the press honeybees have gotten in the last couple of months? It's been in a bunch of major news publications lately and the Times Science section picked it up today. The bee population of our country is estimated to have declined by almost a quarter over the last two decades in what researchers have now dubbed colony collapse disorder. Normally, I'd be all "who the fuck cares, they're just stupid bees," but apparently bees are partly responsible for pollinating our food. Scientists have suggested cell phone reception or GM crops may be the culprit and the blogorati have been shouting secret terrorist plot or honeybee rapture.

The real answer, however, lies in this quote:

Genetic testing at Columbia University has revealed the presence of multiple micro-organisms in bees from hives or colonies that are in decline, suggesting that something is weakening their immune system. The researchers have found some fungi in the affected bees that are found in humans whose immune systems have been suppressed by the Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome or cancer.

The obvious link cannot be clearer. Bee AIDS (or BAIDS as I call it) is surely the culprit. Much like Hurricane Katrina and the failure of our Iraqi operations, God is punishing us through our bees for gay-rights successes in our country. Thus, he has unleashed his gay plague upon our pollinating friends. Repent sinners and save our honeybees!

Beat you to the punch Phelps.

Future. American. Classic.

You had to know this post was coming.

Live Free or Die Hard.
June 27. Be there. You know I will.

Maybe I'm still a little buzzed from my two trips (and counting) to see Hot Fuzz, but there is very little about this trailer that doesn't scream kitsch value. All the elements are here: explosions, one-liners, sidekicks from shitty comedies, more explosions and one-liners, and a bad ass villain.

Seriously, whichever casting manager had the idea to cast Timothy Olyphant deserves a kiss on the mouth. This is Bullock we're talking about here! I'm predicting he'll at least be shortlisted for my end of the year Best Understatement and Introversion in a Leading Villain Award. Prestigious stuff, I know. He'd join the hallowed ranks of my boy Phil Hoffman (aka World's Greatest Living Actor) in MI:3 as well as the entire cast of Alone in the Dark.
Like I said. Prestige.
And of course we all know Kevin Smith has acting chops too. Heavy, right? Though I'm probably the only person reading or writing this blog who'll admit to having seen the film. *cough* yes, with his mother *cough*

It's great when a film knows its place in its genre. The Die Hard franchise has a long and storied niche within the action film canon, so I'm hoping this doesn't disappoint. By the looks of things, we're all safe. McClane is on the job.

Also, for those of you keeping score (really just me), this does count as my second time discussing a film starring Mary Elizabeth Winstead. It's not a coincidence, nor is it likely to be the last time. I've probably got something up my sleeve that I could say about Sky High if need be.

So, Live Free or Die Hard. Two months and counting. In the meantime, I'll just have to keep watching Hot Fuzz with that religious zeal I reserve especially for the Wright/Pegg/Frost Holy Trinity. Because I can't help it.

I just realized that I unintentionally made a fat joke at Kevin Smith's expense a little while back. I apologize. If anything, I should make fun of him for being friends with Richard Kelly.

Shit just got real.

Times Headlines Get Increasingly Snarky

..and we know how much they hate snark.

About an hour ago, the headline read something in the vein of "Bush Speaks Out in Defence of Embattled Gonzalez." The headline to the right is gracing the NYT homepage as of 10:03 PM today. I couldn't decide what the reason behind the change to this more jazzy one was trying to signal. At first, I interpreted as some type of belittlement of Gonzalez, like there's only one guy who thinks he deserves to keep his job. "Liberal Bias!" the inner Fox News in me screamed. Then as I though about it more, and I realized that it could also be interpreted to mean that since only the president can dismiss the attorney general, it doesn't really matter how much the Senate bitches. Oh you crafty Times, you've done it again.

Article here for all those curious about the president defending another D.O.A. neocon toady (Libby cough Rumsefeld cough cough).